


Barrel Of Idiots

by supercasey



Series: Red Vs. Blue One-Shots [15]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Western, Bad Ideas, Country & Western, Cowboys & Cowgirls, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Guns, Horses, Implied Sexual Content, Lovers, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Homosexuality, Missions Gone Wrong, Planning Gone Wrong, Shooting, Shooting Guns, Western, bad timing, friends - Freeform, horse riding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 01:00:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2047113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercasey/pseuds/supercasey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Western Style AU. Simmons is just trying to prove to the sheriff that he’s a good deputy, and he has a great lead on the Blue Devils themselves; too bad his only help is coming from an overweight partner that he may or may not be crushing on. Tumblr request that wanted Grimmons. Mature only for the implied stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barrel Of Idiots

"Damn them, damn them to the Blue Hell they no doubt crawled out of!"

"I completely agree, sir!"

Deputy Grif rolled his hazel eyes, watching his partner/roommate make a complete fool out of himself; why Simmons always agreed with Sarge, he’d never truly know. Night had fallen quickly in Blood Gulch, leaving plenty of time to the many deputies and sheriff to call it a night, but Sarge, of course, was not yet done. Recently, a band of cowboys called the Blue Devils had rolled into town, causing what most would consider minor problems, mainly being picking fights in the saloons, harassing civilians, and just causing alot of noise.

Sarge had, immediately, started trying to capture and maybe hang the troublesome lot, but had little to no luck, seeing as their ringleader was a young cowgirl named Texas, who was, by rumor, the scariest, meanest, toughest gunslinger in the West. The rest of the lot varied quite a bit, with a loud mouth, a pervert, a bit of a slow fella, and a rather… fetching young lady; they had been less trouble than most gangs, but that meant nothing in Sarge’s book.

So here they were, all up way past midnight trying to work together and stop those good for nothing Blue Devils. Simmons actually had a good plan, by Grif’s knowledge, but Sarge wouldn’t even consider listening, too busy rambling on and on about his own silly little plans to stop the Blue Devils. Deputies Lopez and Donut only watched from the sidelines, either to see who’s idea would win over or if Sarge would actually put a bullet in Simmons for even attempting to get his idea out there.

"I’m tellin’ ya, we need three hundred barrels ‘a dynamite and a flamethrower; then we can stop them Blue Devils!” Sarge boomed, shaking his fist in the air as he walked back and forth through the Sheriff’s office.

"Sir, I think I-" Simmons was cut off as Sarge whirled around, glaring at the red-headed man viciously.

"Simmons, I’m gonna stop ya before yer ridiculous plan gets anymore ridiculous." Sarge assured him, patting Simmons on the head, as if he were a dog instead of a well educated deputy.

Simmons sighed, slipping away as Sarge continued rambling. Grif glanced up as Simmons approached him, looking like he’d set his mind on something. “I need your help.” He stated, looking Grif dead in the eyes. “Come with me.”

"Why should I?" Grif asked, smirking at the much taller man before him. "I mean, I’m off my shift here, I don’t need to do squat."

"If you ever want those Blue Devils to go, you’ll help me." Simmons said, crossing his arms at Grif.

"Naw, they’re alright; yeah, Tex is a fucking bitch with a gun, but Tucker and Church aren’t so bad." Grif explained, yawning loudly.

Simmons rolled his eyes. “Whatever; we both know they’re a problem, and Sarge won’t calm down until we take care of them. I’ll… I’ll do our guard shift for a week if you do.”

Grif straightened, grinning from ear to ear. “Knew you’d come around.” He stated, shaking Simmons’s hand. “It’s a deal.”

…

Ten minutes later and Simmons and Grif were crouched right outside of a big shack not far outta town, having gotten their by riding the Sheriff’s horse; Warthog. Hidden by a few barrels beside the house, Simmons gulped, squeezed extra tight beside Grif as they both peered up at the two floor building. The first floor’s lights were out, but the second floor’s lights were all on, a piano’s loud, bustling music being able to be heard all the way from outside. Grif glanced at Simmons, raising an eyebrow.

"How’d you even find out about this place?" He asked, looking again at the big shack’s second floor window.

"A few guys in the bar were complaining ‘bout loud music from it; thought the Blues might be behind it." Simmons explained, adjusting his maroon cowboy hat nervously. "Okay, I need you to hoist me up to that window."

"You want me to what!?” Grif asked, eyes wide. “I can’t fucking lift you, you’re heavy as dicks!”

"I’m not heavy, you’re just a fat fuck!" Simmons snapped back, standing up awkwardly. "Just do it so we can be done!"

Grif huffed, slowly but surely hefting Simmons onto his large shoulders. “What happens if it’s them in there, huh?”

Simmons shrugged, struggling onto the shorter man’s back. “We tell Sarge and take ‘em all in tomorrow morning while they’re still sleeping, of course.”

Grif stopped, Simmons finally on his shoulders, looking through the window.

"Hey, Grif, get me up higher; I can’t see much!" Simmons yelled, but it fell on deaf ears. "Grif? What the fuck are you doing?"

Grif flailed, trying to get Simmons off of him. “Bat!” He screeched, one of the said winged creatures having found interest in him, swooping around his head. “Get it away from me!”

"Grif, calm down!" Simmons screeched, hearing a ‘What was that?’ from inside of the house. "You’ll get us killed!"

"Don’t eat me!" Grif screamed, suddenly tossing Simmons with adrenaline run strength through the second floor window.

Simmons screeched again as he was sent hurling through the window, crashing right on top of Church and Tex, who looked like they were about to… celebrate their day. Church yelped, immediately rolling off the bed, while Tex grabbed her pistol and got shooting at Simmons, not caring if she was topless in front of him for the time being. Despite Tex being a good shot, Simmons managed to dodge most of the bullets, until Tex’s last one impaled into his arm.

A loud yelp could be heard down the hall as well as thumping before Grif burst in, looking ready to kill. “Simmons!” He yelled, scooping up Simmons with amazing adrenaline; his sister wasn’t the only brute 8in the family.

Before Tex or Church could get ‘em, Grif was running out of the bedroom with Simmons in tow, smashing Tucker out of the way when the young man passed by. Meanwhile, Grif complimented Caboose on his piano music before leaving, taking off into the full moon night. Still, Caboose’s music played on through the night as Grif ran and ran for home, Simmons riding loosely to his back on the horse. The song was one Grif had heard many times, and the lyrics drifted through his mind as he dashed faster and faster.

Out in the West Texas town of El Paso  
I fell in love with a Mexican girl  
Nighttime would find me in Rosa’s cantina  
Music would play and Felina would whirl

Blacker than night were the eyes of Felina  
Wicked and evil while casting a spell  
My love was deep for this Mexican maiden  
I was in love but in vain, I could tell

Simmons sighed roughly, smiling lazily against Grif’s back. “Thanks for the save, fatass.” He muttered weakly.

One night a wild young cowboy came in  
Wild as the West Texas wind  
Dashing and daring, a drink he was sharing  
With wicked Felina, the girl that I loved

So in anger I  
Challenged his right for the love of this maiden  
Down went his hand for the gun that he wore  
My challenge was answered in less than a heartbeat  
The handsome young stranger lay dead on the floor

Just for a moment I stood there in silence  
Shocked by the foul evil deed I had done  
Many thoughts raced through my mind as I stood there  
I had but one chance and that was to run

"No problem, buddy." Grif responded, focusing still on guiding the horse towards the town. "Don’t worry, we’ll be back before ya know it."

Out through the back door of Rosa’s I ran  
Out where the horses were tied  
I caught a good one, it looked like it could run  
Up on its back and away I did ride

Just as fast as I  
Could from the West Texas town of El Paso  
Out to the badlands of New Mexico

Back in El Paso my life would be worthless  
Everything’s gone in life; nothing is left  
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the young maiden  
My love is stronger than my fear of death

I saddled up and away I did go  
Riding alone in the dark  
Maybe tomorrow, a bullet may find me  
Tonight nothing’s worse than this pain in my heart

"And hey, if I don’t make it… you were my best friend I ever had, okay? Not to be corny as fuck, but it’s true." Simmons explained, coughing. "Doc better be able to fix this shit…"

"He will." Grif promised, still riding onward through the night.

And at last here I  
Am on the hill overlooking El Paso  
I can see Rosa’s cantina below  
My love is strong and it pushes me onward  
Down off the hill to Felina I go

Off to my right I see five mounted cowboys  
Off to my left ride a dozen or more  
Shouting and shooting, I can’t let them catch me  
I have to make it to Rosa’s back door

Something is dreadfully wrong for I feel  
A deep burning pain in my side  
Though I am trying to stay in the saddle  
I’m getting weary, unable to ride

…

Three days later, Simmons lost his arm; but hey, at the very least, the Blue Devils had taken off outta town for awhile, which was rough for Grif, considering he’d just found out that his sister had been apart of their group.

"They’ll be back." Simmons explained days later, his nub on an arm wrapped in a bloody gauze.

"I know." Grif replied, pouting angrily. "I can’t believe Kai was with those fuckers, even worse, I can’t believe Doc had to amputate your whole fucking arm!"

"Well, he is Doc.” Simmons admitted, rolling his eyes boredly. “It’s not so bad, I mean, at least I’m not dead.”

"Yeah, guess your right." Grif agreed, plopping down on the medical bed next to Simmons. "And hey, when you’re better, can you run me over with Warthog so I can get outta work for awhile?"

"Fuck no."

"I hate you."

"Love you too, dipshit."

But my love for  
Felina is strong and I rise where I’ve fallen  
Though I am weary I can’t stop to rest  
I see the white puff of smoke from the rifle  
I feel the bullet go deep in my chest

From out of nowhere Felina has found me  
Kissing my cheek as she kneels by my side  
Cradled by two loving arms that I’ll die for  
One little kiss and Felina, goodbye

A/N: This took longer than the others, but I loved it; don’t ask why I did a Western AU thing, I just love the song “El Paso” by Marty Robbins, which is the song Caboose was playing in the story! Please reblog and like, hope you liked it!

~Supercasey.


End file.
